Morituri te salutant (image)

A Life Vampyric

“A life vampyric sounds idyllic, I’ll shun the light of day”.
This thought it gnawed at Vincent Lord and set him on his way

“First my name," said Vincent Lord, "it really isn’t me:
“A vamp in waiting I am so Lord Vincent it will be.

“And armed with proper moniker a castle I need too
“For this suburban 60s semi really will not do.”

So from the Abbey National his life’s savings he withdrew
And bought a Scottish castle, and hired a servant too.

A wizened, hunchbacked little man with dodgy lisp and grin
All in all quite Marty Feldman – Lord Vince was fond of him

To Bonnie Scotland they repaired to cast a shroud of fear
But the only locals living close – two haggis and a deer

“This will not do!” Lord Vincent cried, “I have no blood to suck
“If I can’t find a human soon, I’ll have to do that buck!”

“My lord,” said servant number one, “I have a cunning plan -
“I’ll thaddle up the hortheth and we’ll ride on to the town!

“Oneth there we’ll find a virgin and her thweet blood you’ll thee -
“Mayhap thee’ll have a friend with her – thort of bite one get one free”

“A crafty plan it is indeed with one small flaw I fear,
“We’re five miles north of Glasgow – we’ll find no virgins here!

“A dearth of virgins all around: I haven’t thought this through.
“We’ll have to stay at home tonight, and venison must do.”

And so the pair tucked in that night to deer steak cooked most rare
All the while bemoaning the poor nature of their fare.

The moral of this tale? With maidenhood a dying trend,
Occasionally a bloody steak is sometimes your best friend.